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Recap · Season 5

Weeks 0-5: The Collections Tour

The belt tied in Miami and Norman came to collect: Stew opens 4-0 with the Norman receipt and a 42-41 escape, States rides a 3-0 start built on the champ’s scalp, Tayne survives his own self-scout, and Purp buys LSU with Tennessee still on his calendar.

Published Sept 28, 2026
Season Five, Weeks 0-5 — the Collections Tour
Season Five, Weeks 0-5 — the Collections Tour

Season Five is five weeks old, and the story so far is simple: the two men who got disrespected most by the Season Four bracket are a combined 7-0, the back-to-back champ is 0-1, and the offseason's biggest signing was a coach buying a second team on layaway. Let's go week by week — quickly, because Oklahoma sure did.

The Collections Tour: Stew is 4-0 and keeping receipts

The belt tied at two rings apiece in Miami, and Stew responded like a man doing debt collection. Week 0: Oklahoma 26, Notre Dame 0 — Tayne, shut out before some coaches had installed their playbooks. Week 1: Oklahoma 35, Oregon 7 — the B1G champion, dismantled. Week 3: Oklahoma 26, Nebraska 14 — the Norman heist finally answered; JT's famous 46-28 now has a receipt stapled to it. Week 4: Oklahoma 42, Georgia 41 — the one that nearly ruined it all, an Ice Man haymaker that had the chat at "14-14 2nd quarter" and stayed that violent to the end. Four games, four scalps — the conference champ, the rookie of the year, the 12-0 team, and one near-death experience. The king has lapped the field before the field finished stretching.

Tayne's postgame self-scout after the shutout deserves the record: "Not there yet week 0 told me." Then, at four in the morning, the full confession — "I'm a shitter" — followed immediately by asking the CK Analyst for a second opinion and objecting to the diagnosis. He bounced back, though; hold that thought for Week 5.

The calendar man is undefeated: States 3-0

Last postseason States was eliminated by his own job. This season he's eliminating everybody else's. Week 0: Penn State 38, Ole Miss 28 — the back-to-back champion, beaten in his first game of the defense. Week 2: Penn State 42, TCU 24 in the Game of the Week — KJ's 13-0 nostalgia tour, ended early. Week 4: Penn State 52, USC 7. Three wins, three different weight classes, and the scalp collection now includes the one name nobody else has gotten since Miami. The champ, for the record, hasn't played since. The rematch market is open.

Everybody else, in one breath each

  • KJ (2-1) took the States loss and responded like a Big 12 champion: 59-14 over Lute and 51-20 over Bhog. The portal-to-pipeline rebuild is ahead of schedule, per the man himself: "I took year 2 TCU with 1200 NIL and I'm building them up."
  • Week 5's instant classic: Notre Dame 48, Florida State 46. Quan and Tayne traded the whole arsenal on a Sunday night — "Quan vs Tayne Live in the chat" — and the self-diagnosed shitter walked out with the win. Growth.
  • Dre (1-0) handled Ice Man 29-10 and remains the league's most efficient operation. His only recorded fear this stretch: the new bot. "This bot too honest I'm scared to ask what that mf think about me lol."
  • Curt (1-0) opened the bounce-back season 33-14 over Bawce, while running the advance desk with customary warmth — Tayne: "We didn't announce advance?" Curt: "8pm BITCH I dont have to announce."
  • JT (1-1) beat Work 28-24 before Norman came calling with the receipt.
  • TBO (1-0) outlasted Harry 35-28 — Harry's fifth close-but-no league game, the initiation that will not end.
  • Ice Man (0-2) has lost by 19 and by ONE, and the one was against the 4-0 king. The vibes file grows.
  • Bowzer (0-1) took the 35-7 in Norman and immediately published his Season Five strategy memo: "i need mfs to have shit going on and drunk when they play me 😅."
  • Purp hasn't logged a game yet — but he made the biggest front-office move of the young season anyway (see below).

Front-office wire

The offseason purge continues: Lux (Cal), Cozy (Baylor), Frank (Washington), and Gooch (Indiana) have left the league, joining the S4 departures. Per the commissioner's desk, open programs are up for grabs, inactives are being removed weekly, and — new to the bylaws, in all caps — "FISHING FOR FW OR FAIR SIMS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!" The Bowzer Rule has a name now.

And the move of the offseason: Purp bought the rights to LSU while still coaching out his Tennessee tenure — "He is still playing with Tennessee and has the rights to LSU," per the commissioner. The S4 runner-up is playing this season with a moving truck idling outside Neyland. Death Valley is loading.

The Sheet is current through Week 5, the standings bank in real time, and the Analyst has already read all of it — ask it about the Stew-States collision course at your own risk.

Results from the Sheet through S5 Week 5. Quotes verbatim from the chat, which remains both the league's newspaper of record and its biggest liability.

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