First board of Season Five, and the full league is on it — all twenty-four active chairs. The Miami Edition ended with the champ on the throne and the belt tied. Five weeks later the throne has a repossession notice on it.
No. 1 — Stew, Oklahoma (4-0)
The board doesn't move on vibes, so here are the receipts: 26-0 over the 12-0 team, 35-7 over the B1G champion, 26-14 over the Norman thief, 42-41 over a possessed Ice Man. Four games, four of the toughest outs in the league, and the two shutout-adjacent statements came against top-five résumés. The belt is tied at two rings; the season argument is not tied at all. The chair is his until the Sheet says otherwise.
No. 2 — States, Penn State (3-0)
The only coach alive with a win over the back-to-back champ — 38-28, Week 0, the champ's first title-defense game — plus a Game of the Week dismantling of KJ and a 52-7 formality. Last year the board dinged him for losing to a calendar. This year the calendar is losing. Stew-States is the collision the schedule owes everybody.
No. 3 — Pat, Ole Miss (0-1)
The two-time defending champion opened the defense with a loss to States and hasn't logged a game since. That's the whole file. Two rings buy a lot of patience — the board remembers who ended last season holding the trophy — but Norman is 4-0 and Happy Valley is 3-0, and the champ's rebuttal window is officially open. He has made this exact climb before, from this exact chair.
No. 4 — Purp, Tennessee (0-0)
No games, one enormous move: the S4 runner-up bought the rights to LSU while playing out his Tennessee farewell — the first coach in league history to enter a season with a forwarding address. The 127-45 playoff run still headlines the resume. The most dangerous out in the field is now also the most interesting man in the front office.
No. 5 — Dre, Michigan (1-0)
A 29-10 handling of Georgia, filed without commentary, per policy. The Final Four run holds him here, and his only documented weakness is honesty aversion: "This bot too honest I'm scared to ask what that mf think about me lol." The board, unlike the bot, will say it to his face: top five, no notes.
No. 6 — KJ, TCU (2-1)
Responded to the States loss the way contenders do: 59-14 and 51-20, a combined 110-34. The 13-0 season didn't end in Miami — it moved into player development. "Sick of living off the portal" is the most ominous sentence a Big 12 opponent can read.
No. 7 — Tayne, Notre Dame (1-1)
The season opened 26-0 the wrong way, and the man called himself "a shitter" at four in the morning to a bot that gently disagreed. Then he won a 48-46 war with Quan that proved the offense is still installed. The resume machine is intact; the January question remains the January question.
No. 8 — LT, Clemson (0-0)
No league games logged yet, and the S4 file — the 128-28 stretch, the five-point quarterfinal — keeps him top-ten on credit. The commissioner's program doesn't rebuild, it reloads, allegedly. The board awaits evidence.
No. 9 — Curt, Ohio State (1-0)
The founder's bounce-back opened 33-14 over Bawce, and the desk never sounded better: "8pm BITCH I dont have to announce." One win doesn't erase 1-4, but it's the right kind of win, and the broadcast booth remains undefeated.
No. 10 — JT, Nebraska (1-1)
Beat Work 28-24, then took the Norman receipt 26-14 — the rematch he owed the king from the day the upset landed. Year two scouting report: still dangerous, now scouted. The next signature win will be harder and mean more.
No. 11 — TBO, Arizona State (1-0)
Survived Harry 35-28 to open the account. The Big 12 title-game appearance keeps the floor high; the ceiling depends on the TCU rematch.
No. 12 — Bowzer, Oregon (0-1)
The B1G champ walked into Norman in Week 1 and left 35-7 lighter, then published the most honest strategy document in league history: "i need mfs to have shit going on and drunk when they play me 😅." The Final Four machine is fine. The schedule just started at the final boss.
No. 13 — Quan, Florida State (0-1)
Lost a 48-46 shootout that neither defense attended. The ACC champ looks fully weaponized on offense; the board suspects his season will be decided by which Quan shows up in the fourth quarter.
No. 14 — Ice Man, Georgia (0-2)
Beaten by 19 by Dre, then one point — ONE — from handing the 4-0 king his loss, 42-41. The best 0-2 file the board has ever ranked. Between the hedges, the moral victory era must now convert.
No. 15 — Work, Texas (0-1)
Dropped the 28-24 to JT; the Week 4 win over Thrash came by forfeit and counts on the log, not the ledger. Same verdict as last season: one signature win from mattering.
No. 16 — Bawce, Texas A&M (0-1)
Opened against a motivated founder and took the 33-14. The SEC title-game appearance says this chair is temporary.
No. 17 — ZBO, SMU (0-0)
No games logged. Dallas's finest sits ready.
No. 18 — Silingi, Texas Tech (0-0)
The undefeated technicality carries over: still no played losses in league history, a fact he is legally entitled to mention until someone schedules him.
No. 19 — Lute, Miami (0-1)
Hosted the natty, then opened the season down 59-14 to the Frogs. The Hard Rock popcorn revenue remains the program's best stat.
No. 20 — Jason, Alabama (0-0)
No games yet. The league's most generous recruiter enters year five still scouting for other people's backfields.
No. 21 — Thrash, South Carolina (0-0 played)
The Week 4 Texas game went down as a forfeit — no played games yet. The board's file is empty and the season is young.
No. 22 — Harry, Georgia Tech (0-1)
35-28 to TBO: a fifth straight league game decided by single digits or close to it, a sixth straight without the W. The most overdue first win in Campus Kings history. Norman was once 0-and-something too.
No. 23 — Bhog, BYU (0-1)
Took a 51-20 from the Frogs, fought the front office to a draw, and delivered the quote of the young season about his own roster: "Imma just go win against you try hards with these non pussy getting mormans." Provo believes.
No. 24 — Teeric, USC (0-1)
52-7 in Happy Valley. The rebuild continues to rebuild.
First board of Season Five, through Week 5. Departures this cycle: Lux (Cal), Cozy (Baylor), Frank (Washington), Gooch (Indiana) — open programs available at the commissioner's desk. The belt: still 2-2. The collision: Norman vs Happy Valley, whenever the schedule finds the nerve.