The final board of Season Five, all twenty-four chairs, and for the first time since this feature launched it ranks a coach who did everything. There is no asterisk, no "held by rule," no January problem. The problem won.
No. 1 — Stew, Oklahoma (9-0 played)
15-0 in-game. The SEC crown over Purp. The Heisman. The 40 on Michigan, the 33 on the Cinderella, the 37 in Atlanta. Three rings in the accredited era, 69 Playoff Points, and the belt alone at the top again, 3-2. The resume used to carry one note — "keeps losing to Pat in January." He didn't have to face Pat in January. He took care of everybody else.
No. 2 — Tayne, Notre Dame (5-2)
The arrival. A 70-point game, then the 1-seed's scalp (42-21 over unbeaten Clemson), then the Vols' scalp (42-31 over the team that shut him out last January), then a title-game appearance against the guru. He opened the season calling himself a shitter and finished it with the second-best resume in the league. The January pattern is officially broken; the ring is the only line left.
No. 3 — Purp, Tennessee (3-2)
Three played regular-season games, and look what they were: beat A&M, beat the champ 38-35, pushed the 15-0 king to 34-29 in the SEC final. Then a playoff win over the Big 12 champ and a 4-seed semifinal. The most dangerous out in the field never played a full season and still finished with a Final Four. The front office rumors about his next address are loud; the board ranks the tape, and the tape is top three.
No. 4 — TBO, Arizona State (5-2)
The 10-seed that went three rounds: Bowzer 16-7, unbeaten Penn State 27-24, and a 33-26 loss to the king that was closer than anything in Atlanta. Add a Big 12 title game lost by two, and this is the best season anybody has had without a trophy. The quietest coach in the league is done being described as quiet.
No. 5 — States, Penn State (5-1)
13-0 in-game, the B1G crown by twenty-five over Bowzer, the champ's scalp in Week 0, and a 27-24 quarterfinal loss to the 10-seed that will take a full offseason to process. The best regular season of his life ended one round earlier than the worst one. The calendar man beat the calendar and lost to the bracket.
No. 6 — LT, Clemson (3-1)
13-0, the ACC crown at last, the 1-seed — and a 42-21 quarterfinal exit to Tayne. The resume has its first in-cycle conference title and the same blank line it's always had. The commissioner's best team ever met the Irish on their best night. Zero rings, maximum dignity, third year running.
No. 7 — Dre, Michigan (4-1)
Ended the champ's defense 26-21 in the Big House, then became the first defense all season to allow 40 — to the eventual champion, in a 40-30 quarterfinal. The vault is still the vault; it just met the one key. Won The Game 28-7 again, for the record. No notes, as usual.
No. 8 — KJ, TCU (4-2)
Back-to-back Big 12 crowns, a 40-38 war with TBO to get the second one, and a second straight quarterfinal exit — this time 38-24 to Purp. The committee gave him a 5-seed and a CPU in round one, and he still filed the grievance ("the committee be hating😂"). The pipeline is coming; the January problem has a new owner.
No. 9 — Pat, Ole Miss (2-3)
Two rings. One loss to States in Week 0, one to Purp in Week 13, one to Dre in round one. The 11-seed was an insult and the Big House was a wall. The board's lowest ranking of the champ since the feature launched — and the board remembers he climbed from exactly here before. Stew-Pat IV didn't happen. The belt race says it has to, eventually.
No. 10 — Bowzer, Oregon (1-3)
B1G runner-up, 7-seed, and a 16-7 first-round exit to the Cinderella. The #big-games desk was the best part of his season. The GOTW win over Curt was the second-best.
No. 11 — Curt, Ohio State (2-3)
Beat Bawce, dropped The Game 28-7 and the Happy Valley trip 21-7, and ran the league's broadcast booth, front office, and customer service desk simultaneously. "The Bot will decide" is the sentence of the season. The Buckeyes remain a work in progress; the OG remains undefeated in announcements.
No. 12 — Lute, Miami (0-3 played, 3-0 by forfeit)
Made the playoffs as a 9-seed without winning a played game. Lost the ACC final 42-14 and the first round 49-28. The board has never ranked a stranger season and may never again. The Hard Rock popcorn revenue remains the program's best stat.
No. 13 — JT, Nebraska (1-2)
Beat Work, paid the Norman receipt, and watched Stew steal his Heisman in real time. Year two was a scouting report, not a step back. Year three, per the chat, may be somewhere else entirely.
No. 14 — Quan, Florida State (0-1)
One played game, the 48-46 shootout loss, and an ACC champion's crown from last year that still counts forever. The offseason rumors have him changing addresses; the board ranks what was played.
No. 15 — Work, Texas (0-2)
Two played losses, two forfeit wins, and the same verdict for the third straight board: one signature win from mattering.
No. 16 — Ice Man, Georgia (0-2)
Lost by 19 to Dre and by ONE to the eventual 15-0 champion. Still the best 0-2 file the board has ever ranked, and the "full control of my passing" defense stands.
No. 17 — Bawce, Texas A&M (0-4)
Four played losses, two forfeit wins, and a petition for fifteen extra minutes that was denied with prejudice. The SEC title game appearance was last year. The rebuild is this year.
No. 18 — ZBO, SMU (0-1)
One played loss (the 28-0 to LT), one forfeit each way. Dallas waits.
No. 19 — Silingi, Texas Tech (0-2)
The great undefeated technicality died in Fort Worth, then died again in Tempe. Lubbock's file now looks like everybody else's. "Claude runs the world" remains his best quote of the season.
No. 20 — Jason, Alabama (0-0 played, 0-4 by forfeit)
Came back, announced it ("I'm back Mf"), and then forfeited the entire season. The league's most generous recruiter did not play a down. Alabama is listed open. The board has questions.
No. 21 — Thrash, South Carolina (0-1)
One played loss, three forfeit losses. The Gamecocks had a schedule; the schedule had other plans.
No. 22 — Harry, Georgia Tech (0-1)
A 35-28 loss to TBO and two forfeits. The most overdue first win in league history enters year three still overdue. Norman was once 0-and-something.
No. 23 — Bhog, BYU (0-2)
Two played losses, one front-office war, and a farewell announcement. The mormans never got their shot. Provo mourns.
No. 24 — Teeric, USC (0-3)
Allowed 52 to States and 70 to Tayne. The rebuild rebuilds the rebuild.
Final board of Season Five. The belt: Stew 3, Pat 2, fifteen accredited seasons to go. The points: Stew 69, Pat 42, LT 33. Roster moves become official when the front office says so — the board will reflect them on the next edition.